Motherhood and Loneliness

motherhood-and-loneliness

You would think that after becoming a mother, adding another person to your family who is apparently going to be THE best thing since sliced bread; and having that person with you 24 hours a day in most cases, that you couldn’t POSSIBLY be lonely!

I find it bizarre that in all the information, antenatal classes and “advice” (even the unwanted) that is shoved down your throat during pregnancy; that not one person… not even a friend; could mention how lonely motherhood can be is. At first I thought it was because no one else felt that way, but once I opened up about feeling completely on my own, others did too. And now it’s more likely that they were just embarrassed about it.

You have had a baby and it’s amazing… blah blah blah

But you never think about the impact of spending a whole day talking to someone who can’t talk back, or is just asleep, or screaming at you. For days on end. IT. IS. F*CKING. LONELY.

NEVER IN MY LIFE did I think I would be that woman to be literally watching the clock for the husband to come home. But I found myself doing that because I wanted a conversation! I wanted to be acknowledged, understood and responded to. Basic level 1 communication guys, nothing special. I wasn’t even bothered about a kiss or a hug, I was even happy to get a “hey, you alright?”

God forbid that my partner came home tired and didn’t want to talk. I would be ready to rip his face off! Are you kidding me?! I have been awaiting your adult presence ALL DAY and you don’t want to chat for 5 minutes?! That right there is the thing that can send a new mum OVER THE EDGE. Actually, even IF you’re on the second child it’s the same, if not worse.

And then… sometimes I felt awful because I was being “needy” so I’d attempt to get a life by going to some groups with my kids only to be met by mums pretending that their life was bee’s knees or ‘cliques’ that would not include you because you are new. And that doesn’t make you feel any better.

In the end, I decided to start a new job when baby ‘J’ was 5 months old. It was a part-time job but the training was full-time for 4 months. I thought the 4 months would fly by and then I would be rewarded with the perfect work life balance at the end.

It wasn’t quite that easy. Training full-time meant that I missed a lot of what my children were up to and to this day baby ‘J’ is so much closer to his dad because I was absent for a huge chunk of his life. And that BROKE me. I would cry because I didn’t want to go to work. I would cry on my way to work, I would cry AT WORK (in the toilet obviously, because I didn’t want people to think “she’s a pathetic, emotional wreck”).

Now I’ve passed my training and I’m only working 2 days a week. I kind of miss working full-time. (I know… I’m ungrateful and the grass is always greener yada yada yada) But the 5 days when I’m with my baby and toddler can STILL be so lonely. Yes, I love them and they make me happy but there is only so much that I can have in common with a 3 –year-old. And when you throw tantrums and smart-arsedness (yes that is a word) in the mix, I sometimes wonder what the f*ck I was crying about when I was training full-time. That right there was freedom! I just didn’t know it.

When both my kids are attacking me with sh*t and tears at the same time, I think “I can’t believe that I actually missed this crap!”

My conclusion is that if you’re with your baby all the time, and you feel lonely; just come out and say it. Tell your nearest and dearest how you are feeling and tell them what you need. Or you could hover around your mum’s work place for an hour or so because you just wanted to say “Hi” (I TOTALLY haven’t done that)

No. Seriously though… motherhood can be extremely lonely. It is nothing to be embarrassed about it is just the natural sequence of events based on the society that we live in. Everybody wants to visit you and take selfies with your baby for like the first month and then after that you’re not exciting, so you’re pretty much on your own. So, if you haven’t been through motherhood yet, preempt it. Know that it’s totally normal to feel lonely and be ready to join clubs, force people to be your friend, hound your current friends and most importantly ALWAYS BE HONEST!

That is the only way that anyone will understand you or be able to help you. And by being honest, you are probably helping someone else.

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44 thoughts on “Motherhood and Loneliness

  1. Right there with you ! Its so hard to be available for the baby all the time. And all the conversations i have with my husband are related to the little one. Sometimes I do feel very lonely. You have put it up very well.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow. Thanks for being real about the truth…that motherhood can be so lonely. I have to really force myself sometimes to step out of my comfort zone and even organize meet ups and play dates. I know what it’s like to just be sitting at home with your little one, and wanting so desperately to have someone there just to talk to. Thank you for being real!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I guess I’m different. I’d deal with my kids screaming then deal with most people. I have two babies and I’ve never felt lonely. Maybe it’s because I like small crowds or I’m sometimes anti-social. I dreaded when my ex was home; being around him made me feel lonely. I do get where you’re coming from though.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I have an amazing 6 year old who was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes at 2.5 years old. I battled postpartum anxiety and depression before then, and my ocd and anxiety at the time of diagnosis went through the roof. I felt completely and totally alone for those first 3.5 years. Life is amazing now, and I’m glad I’m here to enjoy. She is 6 and completely amazing and worth all the sadness – but HOLY CRAP was it debilitating. No one told me how sad I would be! Great post 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Oh god thank you for this post!! I have a 5 week old son who I am so blessed to have but I am so dam lonely I am verging on wanting to make friends with the local drug dealer (at least they are home when I am!!)
    Your also right, people don’t warn you! Where have all my honest friends gone?
    Again thank you!

    Liked by 2 people

  6. This is so very true. Motherhood can be a lonely journey, particularly in the first few months. Nothing can quite prepare you for the sudden change in your life, the purpose of life and your identity. Great post. Pen x #KCACOLS

    Liked by 1 person

  7. A wonderful piece of writing. I felt lonely when I first had my baby when my husband went back to work after two weeks. I had a c-section as well and couldn’t drive to go see my mum or sisters who live over 30mins away. Thats when I really got into blogging!

    Thanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope you come back again next Sunday

    Happy Christmas! xx

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I completely relate to this. I have found motherhood really lonely at times even though I never actually get a single second to myself. I have clock watched waiting for hubby to get home and been really gutted when he just wants to relax with the TV and not talk when I am desperate for a proper conversation. I go out to groups pretty much every day though otherwise I would go crazy. It is definitely something I wasn’t prepared for and I agree it’s something that needs to be spoke about more xx #ablogginggoodtime

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I actually couldn’t cope being a full-time SAHP. After 4 months I was going insane with the loneliness, and ended up going back to work after 6 month. So I have so much respect for those people who do stay at home all day. My husband being one of them! He decided to take the rest of my leave, and when it ended after 6 months, he decided to leave work and become a SAHP. He loves it, but does say quite a lot that he misses adult company. So it’s not just the mothers who are suffering with this. And whilst there are some baby groups around, there definitely isn’t enough available for people to get involved with. #KCACOLS

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I am a full time Mother to a Toddler so cannot say that I totally get it what you said but I do feel the need of adult conversation for all Mothers. It keeps us sane. Confession- I love your hair.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I have arthritis and the mix of having a new baby and being unable to do some things myself added to how I felt. It all changes from the toddler years though, I found them great fun. My boy is 16 now so everything changes again as they become more independent.
    #ablogginggoodtime

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I hear you. I’m glad you had fun in the toddler years! My daughter is so much fun now but at times I just want her to sit down because I have a baby to look after as well and it can feel like I’m being pulled from pillar to post. I’m now just trying to enjoy each phase as it comes. And when I feel like I need adult interaction I just harrass people lol

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Very true! I have felt like that many a time. It can be hard though when you try to open up about how you are feeling and everyone sort of tries to push those feelings under the rug like ‘pull your big girl pants on, you’re a mum’. I thank you for being honest about the journey of motherhood. We do need to open up dialogue about issues like these so that other mothers don’t feel alone in the journey. ☺

    Liked by 1 person

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