Tuesday 25th April
I noticed baby J’s right eye was reflecting a white light in a video on my phone. To be honest I thought it was nothing but the light catching his eye as he turned his head. Then a couple of weeks later we were in the cinema (which was a disaster but that’s another story) and he looked at me and the same thing happened to his right eye, it reflected the light from the projector. I only saw it for a second but it was long enough to give me that niggling feeling that I should get it checked out. I mean no one else’s eyes were glowing! We had to wait 2 weeks for a doctors’ appointment but I didn’t argue because to me it didn’t seem urgent, he was happy and to my knowledge, healthy.
My fiancé took baby J to his doctor appointment, he said they looked at his eyes, couldn’t see anything but referred him to the hospital for an examination anyway just in case.
I was expecting the hospital appointment to be over in a second with another “there’s nothing wrong with your child, get out – you paranoid mother”.
But we were there for almost 4 hours! First it was the eye drops they put in to make his pupils dilate so that they could get a good look at the back of his eyes. Poor boy, the woman nearly turned his eye inside out trying to get them in! We had to wait an hour for the drops to work before we could see the doctor for the examination.
When we went in to see the doctor, he took one look at baby J’s eye and no lie within 4 seconds he said “ah yes, I see it!”
He sees something. Inside, I’m screaming “WELL TELL ME WHAT YOU SEE THEN?! Is he blind? He can’t be blind, he bossed the Easter egg hunt! Maybe he just needs glasses? What if it is cancer? No. Shut up! He hasn’t got fucking eye cancer he’s probably just got a dodgy eye.”
But my exterior is so laid back I might as well be asleep. Then the doctor looks up and says well he’s definitely short-sighted in the right eye and the left eye is showing signs of becoming short sighted. (ok… so he’s like me then)
Me: “Is it just a case of him needing glasses?”
Doctor: “It’s more complicated than that. He really can’t see very well out of his right eye. He is short-sighted with astigmatism.” (what the hell does that even mean?)
He asked to see the video that triggered my concern. Luckily I had managed to search through 22,000 files (I’m not even joking) and found it while we were in the waiting room. His reaction was “YES, we are going to need to do an operation. It’ll be next Wednesday. We’ll cancel another child if we have to. It’s just so I can get a thorough look at his eye.”
SLOW YOUR DAMN ROLL. We’ve gone from short-sighted to operation in less than 2 minutes. He told me to not to worry. That it is not because something has gone terribly wrong, but that he isn’t confident that he has clearly seen the back of baby J’s eye to know if his retina is healthy. And why are you calling it an operation? Making it sound so serious when all you’ll be doing is ‘checking’.
I left the appointment without asking any questions. To be honest, I don’t think I had processed what was happening and so I really didn’t know what to ask. I told my mum and fiancée, it was their reactions that woke me up a bit. They were concerned and upset, why am I not upset? It was only once the kids were in bed later that evening that I had time to really think about it. I kept thinking about the doctor’s words “we’ll cancel another child of we have to” why would he do that if it is not serious?
My little boy will have to be put to sleep. It’s not the end of the world, but not the nicest thing to have happen to a 1-year-old either. I’m trying to put all of my worries to the back of my head and keep my crazy imagination at bay until next week. Until we actually know something. It might be something serious, it might be something that can be fixed, but then again it may be nothing.
I can’t spend the whole week stressing, so I won’t. But I do find myself looking at my son more. I don’t know what I’m looking for. But I just can’t help looking at him. He’ll be fine… He’ll be fine.
Part 2… coming very soon.